you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
