I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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