my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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