is your mom at the bar?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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