You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
