I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
