I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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