it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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