The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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