Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
