Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
