highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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