my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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