Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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