You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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