And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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