Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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