ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
