Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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