my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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