Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
