so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
