Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
