I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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