I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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