im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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