I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
