That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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