Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
May the power of my ass compel you!!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
