I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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