You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
