why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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