i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
