i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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