I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
handjob tips. give me some.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
