It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just had sex on a roof
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
