i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
