i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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