VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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