We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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