Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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