went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
