I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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