you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
