I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
