the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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