Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
