You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
