Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize