If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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