Michael Bay diarrhea
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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