there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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