I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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