I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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