im so drunk with asians
where?
always
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
