update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
