I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
