she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
